It has been a busy few weeks. I had to return to Philly to file for our visas at the Japanese Consulate in New York; which basically cancelled the “adios tour” that I originally planned to visit family and friends and say our goodbyes.
In the last few weeks we’ve hustled to find a temporary place to live, I put him in camp to make life for him seem as usual, even if it wasn’t.
As the last few days wind down, I’m trying to saturate his life with the things that he loves about the city. I know that moving away from everything he has ever known is hard for him. In so many ways he has expressed that, but I have to believe that what I am doing for the both of us will be good for him in the long run. That is my greatest insecurity right now.
Sitting at the top of the museum steps, I shared this insecurity with him. Completely vulnerable with my child, I told him that I’m afraid that I am making a mistake by moving us on the other side of the world. And in response, my son took my hand and told me that he trusts me and if it doesn’t work out we can always come back.
Sometimes I struggle with the balance of strength and vulnerability with him. I don’t want to parentify him and have him feel he needs to care for me emotionally, but I also don’t want to shield him from typical human emotions. I want him to know that I, too, get scared and nervous and afraid.
I know he will be alright. He shows me daily that he trusts my decisions and is here for the ride. I just really hope I’m not throwing us into a more difficult situation than we were in here.