It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

It’s been raining almost constantly for the last 5 days here in Tokyo. Which puts me in a very somber mood.

It’s as if Mother Nature is conveying what we’ve been feeling the last few weeks here. This move has been far from easy and we’ve been struggling finding our way both in this city and with each other.

I’ve been feeling guilty and really bad because I’ve basically forced this kid to move to a country where he knows no one or the language and he now has to attend this school that is so traditional, that he’s being asked to conform and not be who he is – which is this very animated, energetic, child who rarely buttons his pants after a restroom visit and has wild hair that defies gravity whenever he moves. He feels out of place, not only in his classroom but in his uniform (his words, not mine).

This week, we were featured on mater mea about the transition moving to Tokyo and my reasons for doing so. Although all my reasons ring true, I constantly doubt myself and my motivation for removing from all he has ever known to a place where I truly believe he can thrive and be happy. Social media makes it seem fun and easy, but we have had some significant challenges. And we both are stressing. And in our own ways of handing it, we’ve struggled to depend on one another for support.

I just want to protect and shield him from all that he’s carrying, but it’s challenging with a child so independent, that he prefers to handle his stress himself, sometimes. And that breaks my heart. Because I can see the worry in his eyes. Wondering if he will ever truly have a life here, or will he just be exhausting in the shadow of his gypsy mother’s dreams.

It could be possible that we both completely romanticised this transition and what it would mean to move almost 10,000 miles away from all we have ever known. Possibly. But despite the challenges and frustrations, I am happy. I am finally in a job where I feel useful. I feel like I’m doing work that means something and in that I have to believe that this struggle is worth it. That all the tears and frustration will mean more in the end because I gave my son a better life and exposed him to all that I never imagined as a kid.

I have to believe that I’m not completely fucking up my kid to chase some fantasy dream of a life.

I know it’s more than that. I know it’s bigger than that. But in my quiet moments, especially with this rain, I question every decision I’ve made up to this point.

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6 Comments

  1. Your feelings are valid. It takes time to adjust and children are very resilient. I think that’s an experience that he’ll never forget and when grows older you’ll probably be glad you did. Hang in there!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😊 thank you so much. I know, it’s just frustrating right now.

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  2. I do not know you that well but I resonated with everything you wrote. I uprooted my kid from the East Coast to the West Coast. At the very least, you have the means to provide the basic necessities It may not feel like much, but it is. You are a single mom. I wish my mama traveled with me. You guys are really lucky to have each other. It doesnt matter where you land, as long as you do. Keep pushing, sis. In solidarity, juju

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. So much, sis.

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  3. Sis, your mater mea feature and blog post resonated with me deeply. I am a single mother in the process of completing my graduate degree (Lord help with this thesis! Lol!) I, too, have a desire to live abroad with my 8-year-old son and have grappled with changing his life to drastically. Your move and heartfelt reflections inspire me. I wish you and your son nothing but God’s best!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your sentiment. Although it has been a challenge, I know that what I am doing is best for him in the long run. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you complete your graduate degree and please reach out if you need any advice or encouragement to make the transition abroad. Thank you again!

      Like

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