I wrote these words March 10, 2015 while traveling to India. On my way back, visiting Oman and Dubai, I had a revelation about the life I wanted for myself and my son. I went looking for these words today on my Facebook page because I needed to be reminded of why I started this journey. Why I keep pushing through each day that wasn’t as easy as the last. I needed these words today:
I know who I am. Deep down. Even when I’m in my dark places and I can’t feel it, I always know.
And I seem to always return to myself while traveling. In a strange way, I feel most at home when abroad. Among all the chaos, culture shock, new sights, smells, and energy, something seems very familiar about it all. Something I remember and I recognize myself in all of it. I connect with the language and with the people of the country. In a crowded Souk in Oman, a little girl can lock eyes with me, identify with my spirit, and greet me “As-salamu alaikum” and I, instinctively, respond “Wa-alaikum salaam”.
I can feel myself returning to myself. In a conversation the other day, I could hear my words and know they were my truth. That I am beginning to see my light, whether I want to or not. But for the first time in a while, I’m searching for it, craving it’s warmth.
Still very emotional over my time these past couple of weeks. And this past year. Loss, sacrifice, and grief have occupied too much space and I have struggled to see any beam of light, much less my own. But with an open heart and hopeful spirit, I boarded the plane with a prayer to Egun for strength and to Oya for change. And they both have been answered.
After each bout of travel, I never return home the same as departed. But this time, I was determined not to.
I have to go back to those words from time to time and remember why I started this journey. Remember why I wanted to leave all that I had ever known to come to this new place where everything is unfamiliar. In those difficult moments, when I am frustrated and wishing I was back where things were easy.
In those small instances I need to be reminded of why I started. And why I continue. I strongly feel that if I weren’t meant to be in this place, in this exact moment, I wouldn’t be. That the entire Universe conspired to get me here and I am here for a reason.
Adjusting to live here hasn’t been easy. It seems that way, but it’s been challenging. But remembering why I wanted to come here has kept me going and pushed me through those moments when I want to question my decision.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded.