Six years ago, I almost died.

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I was traveling in Peru, working as a volunteer for an immersion program that encouraged travelers to live with host families and work in childcare centers to increase their language studies. I was to be in Pisac and Cuzco, Peru for a month and I was ecstatic to see what this journey would bring and how it would change me. But the day before I left, I found out I was pregnant.

My partner and I were planning. The month before, we talked about having another child and I even prepared by removing my IUD. We were told that it would take months before my body was ready, so we took no precaution before my trip to Peru, thinking that the time I would be away would be enough time and we could get to baby making once I got back.

We had no idea my fertility was on point.

About a week before I left, I was feeling off. My sense of smell was bionic and everything tasted metallic. The morning before I was to leave for my flight, I decided to take a test. It was faint, but there were two lines. We were pregnant.

Fear and excitement were intermixed and we had no time to make sense of everything. We said prayers and made a plan for me to be safe and check in with doctors as soon as I got into town.

Everything was going well. I went to class, played with children, took amazing photos, and spent time with my host family. I was having the time of my life. We saw Lake Titicaca, climbed ruins and learned so much about this amazing country with the happiest people I have ever seen in my life. The highlight of our trip was our visit to Machu Picchu. We all planned that as our big finale to our month in Peru.

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My Peruvian home (my room was the upstairs window on the far right)

In order to make the trip, we had to take a bus from Pisac to Ollantaytambo then take a train from there to Aguas Calientes. Believe it or not, this was my first time ever riding a train. (I’m from Kansas and there is no need to ride a train ever, okay?) And in true neophyte fashion, I took photos of everything…or at least I tried. The trip was at night and we couldn’t see anything out of the skylight or the windows. But it was amazing. I was on my way to finally see Machu Picchu!

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My travel partner, Anais, and I

 

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Fuzzy photo of the snacks we got on the train. Toldja I was hype!

We get there early and take the bus up the hill at 5am. We are selected to be one of 300 to enter the site that morning and we were beside ourselves. As we entered through the gates, you knew you were on sacred land. You could see the houses and structures that were build thousands of years before you. We set off immediately to climb Huayna Picchu and see everything from the top of the mountain.

So…I’m out of shape. And I was even more so out of shape trying to climb a mountain pregnant. It was hilarious most of the time and I had to tell my partner to leave me and keep going while I took 5011 breaks to catch my breath. But we did it. And the view was absolutely spectacular. I honestly had never felt so free and proud in my life.DSC03485

DSC03475I was standing on the grounds of an ancient civilization. I had climbed a mountain and explored lands no one in my family had ever dreamed of. I felt like I could do anything after that. And all I wanted to do was to go home and grow my family. I had one more week left and I was ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I was starting my internship that year, I was set to graduate the following summer, and begin my career as a school psychologist. I was literally on cloud 9.

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The next day, we set off to return home because we had to work Monday evening. My host sister and I made plans to cook dishes for our family so we traveled from Pisac to Cuzco in the daytime to fetch ingredients. But something was off.

I had been spotting that day, but in the first trimester that’s normal, right? I ignored it and the gut feeling to go to the clinic. We rode home on the bus and I told my colleague that I wasn’t feeling well and I was going to go home to rest. When I got home I had severe diarrhea and was feeling ill. In less than an hour, I had gotten up three times to run to the bathroom. The third time I went, I miscarried my child.

Terrified and shaken, I didn’t want to alarm the entire family. So I called for my host mother to come upstairs and when she did, the only word I could get out was sangre. Her eyes swelled and she looked in the toilet in despair. Not realizing I already knew what happened, she tried to assure me that everything was okay and ushered me back to bed to rest. She called my host father and the entire family swarmed to find the medic in town to help. But it was too late.

I was escorted back to Cuzco by taxi and taken to the clinic that treated me weeks before for altitude sickness. I was put in a room and told to rest.

Calmate, hija.

I was told to rest until they could get in touch with the gynecologist who would be there to examine me and confirm the miscarriage. But he wouldn’t be there until the following evening.

Tranquile, por favor.

He finally arrived, examined me and took an ultrasound.

Es un aborto.

The nurses cried with me.

After the gynecologist confirmed the miscarriage, I was taken to get a D&C to remove all the tissue and everything. I was told that I should be able to go home in a couple days after I rest. But my blood pressure began to decline and they transferred me to ICU in another hospital as a precaution. But when we got there, they discovered that I had a pulmonary embolism and immediately was placed on blood thinners.

After getting to the hospital I remember arguing with the doctor because my body wasn’t getting the medication through the IV in my arm and he wanted to place one in my carotid artery and I argued him down. This is when I lost consciousness.

The next few days are a blur and bits of what I remember were what were told to me after I was released from the hospital. But here is the gist of what happened:

Everything seemed fine in the beginning and people from the program called home to tell them that I was given a 70/30 chance of survival. I was young, I was healthy, and there was no history of anything that would lead them to believe that I wouldn’t pull through. But a few hours later everything changed. Another call was placed to my family to tell them that the odds have shifted. That I am now given a 30 percent chance to survive because my body is no longer responding to the medication and they have given me all that they can now. My body has begun to go septic and my organs are in the beginning stages of shutting down, starting with my kidneys.

I remember regaining consciousness twice. Once when the director of the program was there and I told him that I was okay and another time when Jorge (more about him later) was praying by my bed and I gave him a thumbs up. That’s it.

The next day I remember waking up and being told that my fiancé was on his way to Peru. I almost died. They thought I was going to die. They called him and told him that he might need to come to ship my body home. They seriously thought I was going to die.

The next few days were challenging physically. I woke up with a catheter, a diaper, an IV in my neck, and limited use of my legs. In just 2 days entropy began to take effect. I had to be washed and helped to the toilets after they agreed to remove the catheter. But after a few days, I was allowed to go back to the clinic to recover. After another week, I was able to fly home.

Emotionally, the recovery was much more difficult. My relationship crumbled because we were forced to jump back into a life that didn’t allow us to grieve. My internship started and he, as an adjunct professor in graduate school also, had to bear the financial brunt of the household. We lost a child and he almost lost me. Neither of us could figure out how to come back from that.

***

I felt like part of me was left in Peru in some ways. I returned back to Philadelphia not really knowing who I was or what my place was in this world. I felt guilty and not worthy of anything anymore. I questioned my ability to care for and protect my living child and that brought on more guilt. My depression came in intense waves and kept me from being the best mom I could to be for him. The stress of my internship and graduation coupled with the passing of my aunt became too much for me. I needed to do something.

I went back to therapy.

That summer was intense and she pushed me to grieve the way I needed to, and for both my child and myself. I was forced to reframe who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life going forward. I was able to take space for myself and discover me again.

After I finally opened up about everything, I wrote:

I spoke with my therapist about Peru last week. For the first time I spoke in detail, not only about the experience, but about the experience…if that makes sense? The first time I didn’t just mention the facts, but how I felt and what I felt going through it all. For the first time, my feelings were out there in the open.

 

And it was overwhelming.

 

For the rest of the day, I pushed down my feelings because I had to see clients. But ended up canceling because I couldn’t gather the energy to process my emotions and deal with theirs. Uncomfortable and exhausted, I resolved to eat comfort food and go to bed.

 

The next morning, everything just spilled out and I couldn’t stop crying. What I had shared, finally, was more than I could handle at that time. All day, I remember feeling drained. My clients asking me what was wrong. I just gave the excuse that I was feeling a little ill. But the truth was that I was engulfed in emotion that I couldn’t control.

 

This is what I was afraid of. This is the exact reason why I have chosen to cling to these emotions for so long, daring to let a little out at a time. Because when I let a little out, it’s like this balloon that’s filled to capacity – you try to let a little out and it slips your grasp and the balloon spews out of control, expelling all of its contents. That’s how it is right now. I’ve lost control and my emotionals are flying all over the place.

 

I’ve been fighting the urge to numb myself both literally and figuratively. I have consciously stayed away from wine and other substances that I typically turn to, in order to avoid feeling this way. Trying to stay focused and just allow myself to feel what I am feeling right now. Not trying to make sense of any of it, explain it, or push it away.

 

For the first time, I feel completely naked. Stripped of all that I have created to mask the pain and hurt and guilt and shame and all the other emotions that I have deemed unacceptable and too uncomfortable to experience in entirety. I am exposed and vulnerable.

 

It’s an awkward feeling, but it’s okay.

 

I’m finding my way through this. Fumbling in the dark to find the light switch to make everything visible again.

 

In all honesty, this shit hurts. It’s painful and it sucks.

But I am here. I’m breathing. And I am feeling again.

After that summer with her I was hopeful that I could get things back. I wanted to try to start to rebuild my family and grow from this experience that had damaged us as a unit. But everything that happened in that year was too much for us to stay together. Shortly after he returned we ended.

***

So why am I reflecting on this 6 years later? I blame Facebook memories, to be honest. All month, I have been reminded of that trip, reliving posts and experiences that I haven’t thought of or even wanted to in a long time. Until recently, I could not bear look at the photos of my time there. It was too painful.

But this time it wasn’t. A friend of mine recently took a trip to Peru and it was fun to help her plan her trip to Machu Picchu. I didn’t get that pang in my stomach or drift off remembering the details of events. I was happy for her, that she got to experience the place that will always hold a piece of me. I want to take the boy there and hopefully the Mogollons (my host family) will still be there in their blue house selling snacks and cigarettes.

I look forward to showing him the happiest people I have ever seen in my life, the wonderful sights and sunsets, and one day tell him the story of how I died and was reborn a peruana.

The day we left Peru, Doris, my host mother, grabbed my face and told me that I would always be her daughter, that I would always be in her heart, and that I was allowed to live for a reason – that there was something that I was supposed to do.

She also told me to bring my babies back to meet her someday 🙂

I know now that there is something that I am to accomplish in this life. Something so important that I won’t leave this earth until it’s done. Losing my child and almost losing my life in the process taught me to live my life more intentionally. I no longer have time to remain in friendships and relationships that don’t serve me. That I can’t stick with a job that doesn’t bring me joy. I’m not here for busy work and I wasn’t brought back to life for it to be mundane and mediocre.

I don’t have much time left on this planet. This I know. And I intend to do as much as I can with all the time I have left.

For those who are wondering what happened to cause the entire event in Peru:

Apparently I contracted a group A strep infection in my bloodstream. I suspect it happened when we visited the hot springs in Aguas Calientes. The water wasn’t hot and it was more of a shared pool, than a natural hot spring. I must have had a cut or something and picked up the virus that way.

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The hot springs in Aguas Calientes

This caused the ill feeling and diarrhea and ultimately my miscarriage. My body was trying to save my life, I suppose, and it was too much to try and maintain the pregnancy.

I visited my doctor when I returned and told him the entire story. He called me “a very interesting patient” and went on to say that it takes an awful lot to be considered just an interesting one. Through a series of blood work and post Peru check ups, they could not find anything wrong with me. There was no evidence that I even went through the entire ordeal, aside from the post-traumatic stress and depression.

The months after the recovery involved hair loss, skin shedding from my feet and hands, and nerve recovery from the IV being placed in my neck. For almost a year, I was extremely sensitive to cold and became extremely self conscious with my hair loss. I lost a tremendous amount of weight and I was either sleeping all the time or not at all.

But 6 years later, I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m feeling amazing again.

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Doris and Guillermo Mogollon

Oh. About Jorge. He basically saved my life.

The way the system is set up in Peru, the pharmacy is not inside of the hospital. Someone has to sit outside of ICU and wait for them to call your name so that they can go and make the run to the pharmacy to get the life saving medication you need. I was told Jorge did this all night when I was unconscious. Without him, I wouldn’t be here. Literally. They told me he sat outside and waited. Waited to go out and get the medication that I needed.

The next time I saw him after my discharge I cried when I hugged him. Because although he didn’t realize what he had done, I did. Maybe he did but he’s too much of an angel to acknowledge it.

I can never repay him. And he told me that I would never have to. But I know that the life that I live now is because of the work that was done on my behalf, in this realm and next.

Our week in Italy and how we did it for under $2000!

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As you know, I’m constantly trying to save money when I travel. From flight glitches to Groupon, I’m always in search of a way to make my money stretch. I’m constantly telling people that traveling with kids is not expensive and doesn’t have to be limited to the continental United States when you’re on a budget. That’s why I HAVE to share how we went on a family vacation to Rome and Milan for $1950.69.

You heard me. Less than $2000 for two people. Flights, food, EVERYTHING!

Here’s how I did it:

Transportation

One day I was minding my own business and I get an email from secret flying.com telling me that there was a flight deal from Tokyo to Milan for $309 roundtrip. 309 US Dollars to get there and back!

Say whaaaaaa?

I played around with the dates and realized that I could make something happen. The only thing was, it was on Momondo.com’s Italian site. I tried to change the language, but that changed the pricing. So what did I do? I opened that bad boy on Google Chrome and let the website translate it for me and booked that flight deal quick, fast, and in a hurry!

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I don’t know what any of this says, but it translate to me as FLIGHT DEAL!!!

I was so hype. I had never been to Italy and the boy had never been to Europe. It was a win-win for the both of us. What was even better was that it came with a 24 hour layover in Abu Dhabi!! Another place neither of us have been. The boy was so excited and I was hype to visit another UAE city.

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The thing was, I only had a few weeks to prepare for the trip. The deal was for the end of June and I had to work out the details and what to do in a few weeks AND finish up with work. But I’m a superhero, so it was no big deal.

Because I’m a geographic opportunist, there was no way that we would come all the way to Italy and NOT see the Colosseum. It’s one of the Great Wonders of the World and the boy and I are on a mission to see all of them at some point in our lifetime. So, I looked up train tickets from Milan to Rome and worked out the itinerary. The train tickets ended up being 312 euro for both of us, round trip. I could have possibly found these cheaper, but I waited until the last-minute to buy them, I didn’t purchase them as a roundtrip ticket, and purchased the tickets the day or two before. Rookie mistake, I know. I’ll learn one day.

Total costs: $983.90 

Lodging

I found an awesome Airbnb in Rome that was walking distance from the Colosseum, near transit, and close to restaurants and parks. I was sold! It was only $307 for the three nights. It came with free wi-fi, they had stuff in the kitchen for us to make breakfast and coffee each morning, and the hosts were amazing and informative. They gave us maps to find our way around the city, asked us about our plans and offered suggestions. They even told us that the Vatican is free on Sundays to save us money!

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The hotel I booked in Milan ended up being a bust in a lot of ways. It was cute and eclectic, but had some issues. After arriving we found out that it is really far from the city and even farther from restaurants, so we were stuck with eating at the hotel (which wasn’t really that good) or walking to McDonald’s (which we ended up doing). But, for $76 for two nights, we couldn’t really complain. I found this deal on Hotels.com and had a credit from my hotel stays in Thailand that gave me a $56.86 credit. With taxes and everything, it came up to $86.16 with the fee they charged at the hotel once we got there. (they only charged us 10 euro instead of the 20 for some reason)

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Total costs: $393.16

Budget for activities, food, and incidentals

Before I left, I set a budget of ¥10,000 a day (we live in Japan…) and I would only exchange that amount in cash when I got there. It’s also important to note that when we arrived in Milan, Brexit just happened, so the exchange places were not allowing any exchange of Euro or British Pounds until they figured out what was going to happen. I was able to use an ATM when we first arrived and then found a bank that would allow me to do so later when we got to Rome.

Because of my budget, I kept an intense account of what I spent, where, and how much I had left at the end of each day. Most often I had money left over for the next day that helped us splurge on a fancy lunch in Milan.

What I ended up spending for that entire time was $573.63 (according to the current exchange rate). For all of that, we took taxis and rode the metro, we ate huge lunches but small dinners and breakfasts, we saw the Colosseum, the Forum and the Palatine Hill all included in one fee, and the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican Museum for free. We also rode the big bus tour to see more of the city and get off at the stops that interested us. We even capitalized on student discounts by using my good old ID from grad school (it also helps that my melanin keeps me looking young).

Itinerary

I’ll detail the itinerary in another post, but here is generally what we did each day so you can get an idea of how much we did and saw during our time in Rome and Milan. We definitely packed a lot into the schedule, but because of jet lag we didn’t see and do as much as we had hoped. It was still a pretty awesome time.

Day 1:

  • Landed in Milan, took a shuttle bus to the city center
  • Bullet train to Rome
  • No sightseeing this day, completely exhausted from travel

Day 2:

  • The Colosseum
  • Roman Forum
  • Palatine Hill
  • Trevi Fountain
  • Sightseeing bus tour to optimize our time and sights for the day
  • Amazing lunch of carbonara, lasagna, and wine
  • Refreshing gelato in the evening

Day 3:

  • Breakfast at a local cafe
  • Vatican City
  • Vatican Gardens and Museum
  • Sistine Chapel
  • St. Peter’s Basilica & Square
  • Metro adventure where we got lost (more on that later)

Day 4:

  • Breakfast at a local cafe
  • Piazza di Spagna
  • Train to Milan
  • Lunch at McDonald’s (more on why that was later)

Day 5:

  • Breakfast at hotel
  • Metro to center city Milan
  • Sightseeing bus to optimize sights
  • Castello
  • Santa Maria delle Grazie
  • Milan Cathedral
  • Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II
  • DaVinci Museum
  • (probably more, but that day was a blur)

Day 6:

  • Breakfast at the hotel
  • Metro to center city Milan
  • Bus to airport
  • Flight back to Tokyo

 

Budget Breakdown

Transportation: $983.90

Lodging: $393.16

Food, Activities, Souvenirs, Miscellaneous: $573.63

We ended up spending less than our anticipated ¥10,000 per day budget (roughly $95). It was sometimes challenging to stick with the budget, but I did it. I am really proud of myself to sticking to the budget and we had an amazing time.

I hope this gives you an idea of how I travel on a budget with the boy and still manage to have an amazing time. I’m not loaded with cash or have a sugar daddy financing these trips. With a little planning, budgeting, and preparation, you can travel like this too.

What are some tips you have for saving money while traveling? Let me know in the comments!

5 things you need to know before traveling to Tokyo.

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I’ve been living in Tokyo for a year now and it’s a beautiful and exciting place to visit. I’m often asked a lot of questions from people interested in visiting and I thought I’d put together a few things that I think are important to know before coming to visit.

Here they are…

There are no public trash cans. Or very few, rather. There are bins that collect bottles and cans near vending machines and sometimes outside of conbinis (convenience stores). But don’t bank on these being everywhere. It’s not uncommon to have bags of trash in your book bag because there is nowhere to put it. Sometimes it’s left for days because I forget it’s in there.

Remember: Suica or Pasmo. Tokyo hosts one of the most efficient and reliable mass transit systems in the world. And with 13 million residents, traffic can be insane and frustrating. Therefore it’s best to buy a Suica or Pasmo when you get here. Not only can you use it on the 158 number of trains and regional lines and 41 bus routes, you can also use it at convenience stores to buy food and beer and at some vending machines. You can even use them when you miss the last train and have to take a taxi home. (But I wouldn’t recommend this) It’s a convenient way to reach all corners of the city and cuts down on the hassle of buying tickets and guessing the fare.

Also to note: The trains trains will be crowded. People will squeeze in as much as possible. No way around it during certain times of day. It’s all part of the experience.

Do not take a taxi if you can avoid it. Simply put: Taxis in Tokyo are expensive. The flag rate is 730 yen for the first two kilometers and rapidly increases from there. It’s also important to note that rates increase between 11pm and 5am. This is important to remember if you happen to miss the last train home.

Trains and busses usually stop from midnight to 5am, so if you end up at a random bar in Rippongi and your hotel is in Omotesando, you might end up paying close to 100 bucks to get back to your hotel. Just avoid it if you can. Pay attention to the last train information or plan to make it an all-nighter. It’s Tokyo, so it’s pretty easy to do if you’re a rockstar.

Never leave tips. I know in a lot of parts of the world, tips are considered customary. However here in Japan, they can be interpreted as an insult. Something about pride and whatnot. Just remember, most of the things you pay for not only include the service charge, but also the taxes. Expect to get your change back when paying at a bar or restaurant and remember to take it with you. You will get chased down and they will insist you take it back. And speaking of restaurants…

No, the service is not bad. With restaurants in Japan, you have to flag them down to order. Someone will seat you, bring you water, and even might ask for your drink order. But when it’s time to order, you will need to flag them down with a polite sumimasen and someone will rush over to take your order.

It’s also important to know that they may not come back to check on you unless your plate is empty. Unlike in the States, where they come back every 5-10 minutes to see if everything is okay. I think it might be that they just want you to enjoy your meal without constant pestering and they figure if you wanted them, you will let them know. It took some time for me to get used to this as well. No worries.

Best time to go. For the most part, you can visit Tokyo any time of the year. My recommendation is to come during Sakura season (mid-late March through early April). This is the best time to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom, participate in a hanami party, and eat all the wonderful food and drinks that are sakura themed and flavored. It’s my favorite time of year here and the weather is really amazing. The summers are horrid and humid and frankly, unbearable. The winters are mild, but makes for really bad sight-seeing if you’re looking for outdoor activities. I would absolutely avoid Tokyo during typhoon season, which is end of August until early October. If it gets really bad, everything closes to avoid damage and injury. Don’t let a typhoon, or even really bad humidity, ruin your vacation. Come during the spring or fall for the best weather.

Plan ahead and do you research. I would never suggest someone coming here and winging it. I can’t even really do weekend activities without some kind of plan. Between navigating the transportation to beating the crowds, you really need to know what you’re doing and where. And also search where things are. Tokyo has a lot of nooks and crannies to discover and although it’s fun getting lost in a new city, getting lost here is a whole nother beast. I would say, make room for impulsivity. You can definitely end up in a random bar in Shibuya and find yourself in a middle of a karaoke battle with locals or smack dab in the middle of a Brazilian festival in Asakusa. It happens. Embrace it, but do plan ahead just in case. You can lose a couple of days if you get lost in Shinjuku station. Seriously.

Tokyo is a vast land of tradition, fashion, food, and entertainment. You can find almost anything under the sun to do and experience while you are here, but it’s not one of those places you can just stumble through. Because of its deep roots in traditions, there are things you should know before coming, to avoid being a stereotypical gaijin or foreigner.

Respect the customs, enjoy the history, and interact with the people. Tokyo is an amazing place and I hope you enjoy your experience if you ever find yourself here.

(and yes, I know those were more than 5 things. I’m a rebel and I do what I want)

 

Don’t sleep on Groupon.

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**Disclosure: This is a sponsored post. All opinions are mine.**

 

 

Have you ever booked a random flight deal on an impulse and then found yourself wondering what do you do in that random town?

No? Me neither.

But if you have, I’m here to tell you that you have options to figure out how to entertain yourself in Randomtown, U.S.A. and not want to throw yourself out the basement window for all the boredom.

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source: Tumblr

So, let’s just say you find an amazing deal to…Las Vegas…(I know, like you would ever really need to know why to do in Las Vegas. Stay with me here)…You can head on over to Groupon Things To Do and see what is happening in that city for a discounted rate. You could be quickly on your way to a museum, an observation deck, or a walking tour around a shady street sampling food along that way that may or may not give you food poisoning. Hey, it’s all part of the thrill! (Yes, I know. There are a gazillion other things to do in Las Vegas than eating street food. It can also be Cleveland. Whatever.)

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source: Tumblr

Groupon Things To Do allows you some additional options to entertain yourself when you end up in a random, but not so random, city. It provides you more options that you might not have thought of and you can find more things to do at a discounted rate. Everybody wins!

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source: Tumblr

Y’all already know how much I love Groupon for travel ideas and amazing discounts on cities all over the world. But now we have a way to find things to do when we get there. Think of it as your city guide on a discount!

What ways have you saved with Groupon? Tell me in the comments!

Sleep and the art of getting your kid to stop talking to you.

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Once upon a time, there was a child whom we adoringly refer to as “the boy”. He was a quiet fellow who would stare at you and silently judge you while eating his saltines and “nanners”. Because…well that’s what you do when you’re two: develop hyper-focused eating habits and judge everyone you meet.

Anyway, this kid was perfect. He played by himself and was able to use his imagination to play boxing or wrestling for hours with his stuffed toys. He allowed his mother to get work done or cook or clean when she was ever inclined to do so. Their relationship was awesome and often the envy of everyone in their immediate circle.

One day, the boy’s mother enrolled him in a school that encouraged his social and emotional development, because she realized that if this area of his personality wasn’t properly developed she might be raising the next Unabomber so she might want to do something about that soon.[1] Things went well at this school and the once reserved child who presented with behaviors that made his mother think he had Autism Spectrum Disorder[2] soon blossomed into a social butterfly.

The boy would come home and discuss all the wonderful things he learned at school and discussed with his friends and thought about telling her while he was at school but couldn’t because, well, he was at school. So the boy filled her in on all those thoughts she missed and talked and talked and talked until finally his mother threw herself out the basement window to end her misery. [3]

The end. 

The boy has grown into this wonderful and amazing extrovert who is able to socialize with anyone and discuss an array of topics even with strangers while standing in the immigration line at the airport. He has planned play dates with kids at the park and given them my number so that they can give it to their mother to plan.[4] He’s amazing and the school did exactly what I needed it to do during our time there. I couldn’t be more proud.

There’s only one problem. This boy’s mother is an introvert who doesn’t like people and values quiet and misses that silent, judgey child she once had. 

Emphasis on silent. 

So, as a defense mechanism I have developed strategies to get my child to stop talking to me and help take care of that ringing in my ears[5]. Now, these may or may not work for you, and I can’t really guarantee their efficacy with your own child, but they are definitely worth a try.

1. Pretending you’re asleep. I’ve done this on planes, trains, busses, hotel rooms, long Uber rides. It works 85% of the time. Hell, I did it last night. We were on the bus riding home from a friend’s sayonara party and he’s gabbing and sharing with me about how he didn’t know that Honda made motorbikes and he thinks it would be cool if you could modify motorbikes to have seat belts and he wonders how safe it would bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I slowly “dozed” off on him until he turned from looking out the window and noticed I was gone and directed his conversation back to the window and his reflection.

Alternatively, I’ve pulled the covers over my head and played with my phone under. You have to be careful though. Your child will remove the covers and ask you to unlock the iPad or for food or something so you have to make sure they are set up before hand, otherwise they will just wake you up.

2. Electronics. Shameless, I know. I typically limit the use of electronics but when I need sleep or just some time alone, I unlock the iPad and send him to his room. I am not ashamed to say I have used this often and judge me if you want to. I couldn’t care less.

3. Just leave. Take the trash out. Walk the dog. Go stand in the backyard and pretend to count the blades of grass. Just sometimes the act of leaving the room helps. I don’t recommend this for toddlers and younger children. Aside from the fact that you can’t really leave them in rooms alone for the fear (or ever present danger) that they will injure themselves and/or set something on fire, they also tend to follow you.[6]

4. Going to the bathroom. Much like the MTV series The Real World, the bathroom is off limits to voyeurs in our house. Which makes this the perfect place get some peace and quiet. If you have two bathrooms in your house, even better! This reduces the risk that your child will ask to use the toilet while you’re in there. Some children try to talk to you through the door, but I have trained him early to not do that. That rules sticks about 50% of the time.

You can also turn on the shower. That sometimes signals that I’m actually in the shower and therefore can’t hear him when he’s trying to talk to me. I’ve often just sat in there and read a book wasting precious hot water and getting a glorious steam bath. I’ve often resorted to actually taking a shower as well because he tried to come in and say he had to “use it”.

Much like the previous suggestion. This one doesn’t really work for toddlers and younger children, as they don’t really care about your privacy and the bathroom is fair game for them.

5. Melatonin. This one works wonders. It’s a natural hormone in your body that allows you to gently fall asleep at your request. You can slip it in their juice or tea and they are off to la la land in a few minutes. Increasing the temperature in your house and playing calming music will often speed up the effects of this one as well. It’s an amazing option.[7]

Again, I can’t really say if any of these will work for you. But they have helped me salvage some of my sanity dealing with this crazy child on a daily basis. I love him to pieces, but I do often long for the days when I wished he would talk so I could take it all back. I’m kidding. I love him. He’s amazing. But I need sleep.

Footnotes for entertaining commentary:

[1] The boy’s mother is a psychologist and often worried about the psychosocial effect anything will have on him. This hyperbole was perfectly normal for her.

[2] This part is true. When he was younger, the boy was not very verbal, would be hyperfixed on certain toys and foods, and rarely socialized with anyone outside of me and my partner. He would flip out if anything changed in the schedule without notice and would become fixated on why it changed. I was legit worried for a while.

[3] You can’t actually throw yourself out the basement window. It was a joke. She did not commit suicide.

[4] Still working on social norms and stranger danger with this kid.

[5] You know the one. That high pitched ringing sound you get when you come home from a concert or a really loud bar. That one.

[6] Also, some county and state statues kinda talk about how you’re supposed to supervise your kids and can’t really leave them alone for periods of time otherwise it could result in investigations and whatnot. You might wanna research the laws in your respective states before trying this one.

[7] I’m kidding. Don’t give your kid melatonin, please. Or if you do, carefully read the label.